Three

Today my son turns three.

This year I started planning later than I usually do, and I got frazzled. Then I remembered I don't have to do it alone. My best friend took over the decorations and the theme, and she chose all his presents, so I didn't have to work out what to get him. I did the wrapping, but she took the weight of deciding. My mother-in-law offered to help, booked the venue, and said she'd take care of all the food. The food was the part that had been making me feel the most overwhelmed. All I had to do was send the invitations and take care of the fun bits, like the goodie bags and the activities.

Last year, the thing Nico talked about for weeks was playing with all his friends, and getting to wear a fun costume. I planned the costumes and the invitations, and followed up with every friend. What I couldn't plan was how many people would show up. It was a great turnout, with friends and family who came to celebrate him.

Every year his party has a theme, and every year there are costumes. His birthday is so close to Halloween that dress-up is basically the tradition now. He's at the age where he loves to pretend, and his imagination is so vivid that it pulls everyone in. Before long, the grown-ups are pretending right along with him.

That's the part I keep coming back to. The party I planned and the party he'll remember are not the same party. The planning gets the food out on time and the kids where they can run. What he'll carry with him is the feeling of being in the middle of a game with his friends.

I used to think big parties for kids under five were a waste. They won't remember it, I'd think, so why spend the money and the effort? I understand it differently now that I have my own child. He probably won't remember the party itself. But the party isn't only for him. It's for me: to see the joy on his face, and a way to thank him for everything he has taught me about myself. Even if he doesn't remember it, I will. I'll remember how I made him feel like he matters, and how special I made him feel, in my own way.

If you have a little one's birthday coming up, here's what I'm holding onto:

1. Ask for help before you're frazzled. I wish I'd asked sooner. Let one person take the decorations, one the gifts, one the food, one the venue. You can still be the one who sends the invitations.

2. Choose a theme that's easy to step into. Costumes, a character everyone recognises, something that invites the grown-ups to play along.

3. Make room for the friends. At three, the thing that matters most is other kids to play with. Give them space, and the rest mostly takes care of itself.

Keep the matching napkins and the perfect cupcake table optional. Nobody at a three-year-old's party is grading the styling.

I'm going to try to stay present for the first hour and then stop checking the list. I'd like to remember his face when he sees all his friends in their costumes, and I hope you get one of those moments this weekend too.

Talk next week, Lili